


[begin recording]

by astratic



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Abuse, Audio Transcript, Child Abuse, Gen, Mentions of Gun Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, murdoc is a piece of shit, this is meant to be a little before phase 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 15:18:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14897021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astratic/pseuds/astratic
Summary: Each therapy session will be recorded on a digital audio recording device. This recording is secure and confidential and exists only to guarantee the quality of your care. Each recording will be destroyed as soon as the information it contains is no longer relevant. Contact the Patient Advocacy desk with any questions or concerns.





	[begin recording]

[begin recording]

COUNSELOR: Good morning, Noodle. I'm Rebecca. If you'd like, we can start getting to know each other.

[mechanical rustling] [click]

C: Wh—are you—is that a tape recorder?

NOODLE: You record, I record, doc.

C: [stammering] [inaudible]

N: Anyway, I've been in and out of therapy for some years now! So I know the whole drill here. Yes, I'm Noodle. Yes, that's my legal name. Yes, I'm the guitarist from Gorillaz. I have PTSD from a bunch of shit you shrinks never believe me about, but that's fine. Just don't try to have me locked up, and we'll get along great!

C: [pause] Never… believe you?

N: Yeah. I mean, I get it. My life is  _unconventional_. I was shipped here in a box from Japan when I was eight. That's when I joined Gorillaz! My bandmates are the only family I've ever had, and they're all fucked up. Murdoc tried to have me killed once, but said, "backsies," at the last minute. He thinks he's my dad.

C: He tried to have you _killed?_

N: Yes. With WWII helicopters like a fun racist joke. He didn't intend for me to actually _die,_ which is good, because I didn't, but, uh— [inaudible]

C: Noodle?

N: I was fifteen. I parachuted away and hid from the only family I had ever known, because I thought they wanted me dead. Murdoc told me the bullets wouldn't be real. But they were.

[long pause]

N: So, I mean, also: I'm a lesbian. That's exclusive info! I'm not out to the public because, well… we're selling records, you know? Half our fanbase would be _heartbroken_ if they knew they didn't have a chance with me. [laughing]

[long pause]

N: You okay, doc?

C: I'm not actually a doctor, but yes. I'm just—

N: Trying to figure out what to say? Yeah.

C: The things you're saying about your bandmate, Murdoc, are extremely alarming. This man raised you?

N: Yes and no. I raised myself, mostly. Muds has always fancied himself as some sort of role model for me—that's a joke and a half—and the others, they're more like siblings.

C: Does he hit you?

N: Never. He hits 2D, though, among other things… Yes, _that_ 2D. I convinced Dee to start going to therapy, too. We just moved again, so I had to find a new place. I don't think he was very keen on it, though—Murdoc has told him it's bullshit. Wants to keep him ignorant. I…

[long pause]

N: I feel bad that I've never really been able to do anything for him. He's—he's disabled. He has, like, brain damage, from hitting his head. It makes him a little slow to learn things and very naive, but he's not stupid. Everyone's always saying he's stupid, especially Murdoc.

C: So you feel protective of 2D?

N: Well, yeah. He's clueless, but very sweet. He used to try to take care of me sometimes when I was a kid.

C: And isn't he older than you? He was an adult when you were a child?

N: Yeah. He was twenty when I was eight.

C: In that case, it's very unfair for you to feel responsible for his situation. It's great that you're trying to help him, but while he has been abused, you were too, and you were a child.

N: Mm-hm.

[long pause]

C: So, you said that after Murdoc tried to—

N: To kill me.

C: Yes. You said that you hid? Would you like to elaborate on that?

N: [pause] I saw them looking for me. They looked in the wreckage and all around, calling my name. I could have gone to them, but I didn't. I know, uh, a _lot_ of martial arts, so I'm good at being stealthy. I was hurt, but not badly. I was so scared, and I thought if I let Murdoc know I was alive he'd try to finish the job. He…

[long pause]

C: Feel free to do some breathing exercises if you need to.

N: I'm fine. It's fine. He had never done anything like that to me. I mean, _obviously._ But I had seen the way he treated 2D, and I thought, I dunno—I thought I  was different. Like, that Murdoc, uh—[sniffling]

[pause] [rustling]

C: Here are some tissues, if you'd like.

N: Thanks. [blowing nose] I thought that Murdoc loved me. That he wouldn't hurt me because he loved me. I mean, he's, like, my fucking _dad_ —

C: So you do think of him as a father figure?

N: I mean, isn't he? He bought me clothes and fed me and eventually sent me to school when the British government found out I existed after the first album. And he always kind of, um, doted on me, as much as he, like, is capable of that. As a kid, I, um— [sobbing]

C: You can take as much time as you need.

N: When he would pick on 2D, I didn't think it was wrong. I thought it was funny. And I know, you're gonna say, like, "you were a kid, yadda yadda," but it—it doesn't make me feel any better. I still, like—I laughed. I thought the world of Murdoc.

C: So you only realized it was wrong when Murdoc shot at you?

N: Well, he didn't _personally_ —nevermind. But, um. Yes and no. That was when it really hit home that Murdoc was a bad person, but Russel had already told me not to laugh at 2D. Russ—he used to pick on him sometimes, too, a little. Definitely not the way Murdoc did, but not nice either. Then one day, I guess, he just realized it was fucked up. He apologized to 2D and started trying to get him to stand up to Murdoc. He's punched Muds more than a few times over stuff he did to Dee. Russ is better at protecting him than I am.

C: I definitely want to go more in depth into that at some point, but getting back to what you were saying before—

N: Oh, yeah. After El Mañana, I went back to Japan. Just, kind of—actually, I started working on a solo album. Some elements of that made it into Humanz! Anyway, I was being chased by these pirates, so I didn't get much done. The Black Cloud. I thought Murdoc had sent them after me, so I found out that he was hiding out in the middle of the Pacific—at Point Nemo, Plastic Beach—and I went to confront him. [pause] With an automatic rifle.

C: You intended to kill him?

N: [pause] At the time I was considering it, yes. Only if he tried to kill me again.

C: And how old were you at this point?

N: Seventeen.

C: So… I'm sorry, you're still in the band now? How did that happen?

N: I was getting to that. On my way to Plastic Beach, I was attacked by the Black Cloud again. They bombed my ship and I was stranded on an inflatable life raft. I had set it floating in case that happened. I had a little food and water, my acoustic guitar, and my melodica. That was it.

C: [pause] Your melodica?

N: It's a—like a little keyboard thing that you blow in. A wind instrument. [miming]

C: Okay.

N: I was out there for about a day before Russel found me. He was swimming to Plastic Beach because he found out 2D had been kidnapped from Beirut.

C: Wait, he was _swimming_ across the Pacific?

N: [laughing] I told you you wouldn't believe me. Call me a pathological liar in your notes if you like. He was huge at that point. Like sixty feet tall.

C: [stammering] [inaudible]

N: He convinced me to come back. He cried a lot, actually, and I think he might have contributed significantly to rising sea levels. He told me they had all been convinced that I was dead, and that the band had broken up because he knew Murdoc was to blame. [pause] He also told me Murdoc hadn't meant to kill me for real. But he said I should interpret that however I wanted. Meaning, I guess, that I shouldn't forgive him.

C: Do you look up to Russel?

N: At the time that was the only way I could look at him, because—you know—he was _huge_ — [laughing] Okay. I'm sorry. Russ and 2D have always kind of been like older brothers to me. When I first came to England he was the only one who understood me, because he was possessed by a ghost that knew Japanese.

[long pause]

C: Yes?

N: You're humoring me, huh? That's cool. You're pretty cool, doc.

C: I'm not a doctor.

N: Anyway, we made it to Plastic Beach and saved Dee from a whale and then joined in the fight against the pirates who I guess were extensions of a supernatural being called the Boogieman who was after Murdoc's soul. Oh, also. Murdoc had made a cyborg clone of me to work on the album and be his bodyguard. She's—uh—somewhere. Last I heard she was really into yoga.

C: Wait, what?

N: Russel and I got caught in a storm as we escaped Plastic Beach and were separated. I washed up on the shore in Japan and spent a few years there hunting a demon before coming back and rejoining the band to work on the new album. What was I talking about, again?

C: [pause] You were telling me what happened after Murdoc tried to kill you. Can I ask—when you saw Murdoc again, what was that like for you? Were you angry with him?

N: Well, yeah. I'm always angry with him.

C: Did you fight?

N: [pause] Not really. He tried to act like nothing happened. Like the El Mañana shoot had been an accident. I could tell he felt bad, and that messed with my head for a while, but I couldn't really bring myself to confront him about it. It didn't seem worth it.

C: What do you mean?

N: I dunno. Just that Murdoc has never learned a single thing in his life. He just goes around doing what he wants and hurting people and nothing will ever change his mind. It'll never get through to him that what he's doing is wrong, because he honestly just doesn't care about people. I was still kind of scared of him, too, to be honest. I always knew he was kind of nasty and ruthless, but I didn't think that extended to _me._ I was really naive. After El Mañana, I didn't know what he would do if I pissed him off. He obviously—at best—didn't care that much whether I died.

C: You say trusting Murdoc was naive. Would you like to expand on that observation? Why do you think that trusting an adult who has always looked after you is naive?

[long pause]

N: You got me, doc.

C: It seems clear to me that as a child you weren't given the context you needed to develop a sense of right and wrong and what constitutes a normal familial relationship. Now, you haven't talked about what your childhood was like before you came to England—

N: I never touch that in the first session, doc.

C: Okay. I am coming to understand that you are being very hard on yourself with regard to realizing what Murdoc was capable of. It sounds like you never had much of a point of reference for how a father should act, so it would be impossible for you to know better. The fact that you have realized this now and are trying to work through it in therapy demonstrates that you aren't naive, and you do have a strong sense of morality. You said you've convinced 2D to start attending therapy as well, and it sounds like he will benefit from it.

N: I hope so.

C: You want to protect him, but he is an adult. At a certain point he has to learn to advocate for himself the way you have done.

N: So you think I have a savior complex?

C: I think you have a strong sense of loyalty, and that you care for him very much.

N: Mm-hm.

[long pause]

C: What are you thinking?

N: I don't know. It's always tiring starting over with a new therapist.

C: You seem pretty defensive.

N: Yeah, well, only because I've been called a liar more times than I want to get into. Puts a girl on edge.

C: And yet you continue with therapy. Why?

N: You know. Because I'm, like, messed up. You said it yourself. Murdoc is abusive, and I have big issues about it. I don't have a family, and I grew up with my band. And they, like, commit crimes and do drugs and shit. I'm just trying to figure out how to live a healthy life, you know?

C: That's really admirable.

N: It's something. It's what I'm working with. And dealing with, you know, the fans—it's weird. It feels like my pain belongs to the public. Like I don't really get to do this in private because I make music. And it's been like that most of my life. I guess that's why I like therapy. Because you're legally not allowed to tell anyone what I talk about. [laughing]

C: Your pain and your life belong to you. If Gorillaz didn’t exist, what do you think you'd be doing?

N: I—

[long pause]

N: I am Gorillaz. I am who I am because of it, and no part of me is without it. I'm alive because of it, probably. This is going to sound crazy, but it sometimes feels to me like I'm just part of some big narrative—not, like, "god has a plan for me," or any of that biz, but like someone does…and I don't really trust their judgment. It feels like if I ever die, it's going to be for some big dramatic payoff. Like, I'll never be allowed die quietly in my sleep or some shit, because there will always be an audience to entertain.

C: _If_ you die?

N: [laughing wildly]

C: Noodle?

N: I'm calling it there, Becky. [click of tape recorder] Same time next week, yeah? See ya.

[end recording]

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Some notes:  
> I am not a therapist and have no experience with talk therapy other than my own as a client, so if the therapist’s voice seems off, please cut me some slack! I intend for this to be a multi-chapter fic with sessions with each of the characters, so we will see how that goes. I am experimenting, so I don’t quite know what elements work or don’t work as part of a narrative, and as such comments and feedback are GREATLY appreciated!! This is my own interpretation of Noodle’s story. It fits mostly with the canon that I am aware of, but it is entirely possible that it’s in conflict with something that I either haven’t encountered or forgot about. Feel free to let me know, but be aware that I view Gorillaz canon as universally kind of a calvinball situation with regard to in-universe truth i.e. it is never clear what “actually” happened vs. what the characters are lying about or embellishing for the sake of entertainment.  
> Thank you!!  
> edit: i'm changing it to "complete" because i'm probably never gonna write any more of this! sorry yall


End file.
